Dramatic Moment Of The Century

This video pretty much speaks for itself.

Last Night I Caught God Smiling

Last night there was a great change in my life. Something so unbelievable I dare not speak it to anyone, especially those living in Israel, for they may return from Israel summarily after hearing it. Last night, I took it upon myself, along with Casey Byrne, revered physicist, and bit of kelp, to move my computer with my new graphics card, processor, heat sink, power supply, and ram and hook it up to the 46’ Samsung 1080p LCD sitting across the room. Well after about 30 minutes of plugging stuff in, I saw the sweetest sight these eyes have ever seen....Counterstrike: Source running at 1080p, 16:9, and 60 fps on a 46 inch LCD television. When I tell you that the game has completely changed because of this, it is certainly an understatement. No words can do this justice. The magnitude of this discovery is unparalleled by anything this world has ever known. Splitting the atom was alright, but did not come anywhere close to beauty, splendor, and chaos that this discovery has unleashed upon my simple, meaningless life. Last night I played Counterstrike until the retinal vessels within my eye showered my cheeks in blood. I am writing this post at work, because it is the only thing that will allow me to keep my sanity until I return home and can once again bask in the warm glow of electronic euphoria. This morning when I awoke, the air was fresher, my breakfast was tastier, my dump was smellier, and life in general was all that much better. For those of you who have not found meaning in this world, I implore you, come to Marietta, Georgia and I shall show you what the physical manifestation of inner peace looks like.

I'm Moving To San Jose

While I was perusing the daily news I stumbled across an interesting piece. A San Jose news station recently reported on a middle school student who brought pot brownies to school and fed them to all his classmates. Here is the news clip:



This video struck me as quite funny, though I must say odd as well. Strangely, the parents in this community seemed to not only find this incident humorous, but basically admitted to their own personal use of the wacky tobaccy. I mean it's about time parental units wise up and start telling the truth about the ol' ganj. I figured though it probably had something to do with all the fragile weirdo hippies who live in California. So I moved on in my reading, but next I came across this article:

Teacher accused of sex with student

Synopsis: The article describes a San Jose man who is in custody Friday for allegedly having a sexual relationship with a female student who attends a high school where he used to work as a student teacher. Nice one. This theme seems to be a popping up all over the news lately. I still haven't been able to make the connection with why people pity students who screw their teachers. Take a look through some Internet porn sites. I'm sure you'll see that sleeping with a teacher is a pretty popular fantasy. Oh and lets not forget that high school teenagers are probably 90% of the people looking at porn on the web. So as far as I'm concerned we can give the "poor innocent" kid a cigar and call it sex ed. Either way San Jose is all of a sudden is turning out to be a hot spot for news stories. My adventure continued:

Paperboy arrested on suspicion of selling marijuana

Synopsis: Paperboy, a former Grammy nominated hip-hop star, was arrested in S.J. on suspicion of selling marijuana. What a surprise...a hip-hop star who makes bad decisions. The two go together like shit and stink. But wait, it doesn't stop there:

Officials: Sex may have been part of cash-for-grades scheme in East Bay

Synopsis: Dozens of students in the S.J. area, including several who transferred to four-year colleges and universities, are suspected of paying up to $600 or offering sex to records-office employees for each improved grade. The college first suspected 84 students, but now say they have cleared at least 20 from the original list.

At this point I had to stop and reflect. San Jose may be the coolest place in the world to live. In what other city can an 11-year old middle school student buy his dime bags from a Grammy nominated hip-hop star? But wait lets not stop there. They can then bake them into pastries with Mom's help and approval, take them to school, and feed them to fellow students and teachers. It sure makes four square more fun! Don't worry about any correlation between drug use and falling grades either Sonny. You can always slip Teach a few Benjamin's and then fuck her too, she'll take care of the report card.

All of this information really had me thinking. I might even come back from Israel to live in sunny San Jose. But it was only a matter of time before I came to the final article which reversed any possibility of me moving there:

Squirrel attacks two parents, student in S.J.

Synopsis: An 11-year-old student and two parents at Evergreen Elementary School got a scare this morning when a squirrel ran into the building and attacked them, drawing blood in two cases, school officials said.

These squirrel attacks are really getting out of hand man. I mean I must say I am quite alarmed at the increasing amount of squirrel attacks I'm reading about lately (see second blog entry) Thank G-d there aren't squirrels in this country. Knowing the San Jose area though, the squirrel was probably all hyped up on meth and Red Bull. Oh well, I guess I'll have to find a different city in which to smoke my drugs and do my teachers.

The Jerusalem Blues in Drop P.U.

My lack of creativity in finding a blog topic has lead me to post a video today. It's the blues. More specifically it's the Jerusalem Blues. This means it should trigger the olfactory sensory neurons in your brain to fire. This is due to the fact that Jerusalem is a town of many unique smells and is best conjured up mentally in a series of smell memories. Here are some of the smells I think you should get:

Hot white stone buildings, urine scented alleys, Arab men with lazy eyes and missing fingers selling useless already broken knick-knacks, sweat soaked bus seats, feral cat sex, un-deoderized gestating women in hot black dresses, hot beard, steaming wet trash, falafel-smell that leaves you wondering if it is body odor.

I love this city. Well that's all for now. Hope you enjoy the song.

Why On This Night Do We Drink Poop Flavored Water, And On All Other Nights We Are Stung By Bees In The Dark?

For many years (since'67 but arguably even from '48) Israel has held a tactical advantage over her enemies. First and foremost, since '67 our scientifically engineered falafel balls cause a significantly smaller amount of gas cramping and diarrhea. But perhaps more notably this advantage was in the form of military technology and prowess. In addition, part of this Israeli military prowess was simply in the form of striking fear into our enemies. Israel's adversaries, if we give them the benefit of calling them that, viewed the soldiers of the Israeli Defense Force as something nearly superhuman. Picture your average Haredi Jew, but instead he has laser beams for eyes, guns for hands, a razor sharp circumcised penis, and spicy hummus pumping through his black evil veins. This reputation as super soldiers was created and emboldened by the IDF's perpetual defeats of it's Arab enemies, often against all odds. Then to further solidify the myth was the all too common Arab disposition towards redefining history and refusing to accept that their defeat in most cases came at their own hands. Regardless though of the reasons behind this psychological phenomenon, it has served as part of Israel's advantage over her enemies and been vital in her protection and preservation.

More recently though, due to the past war in Lebanon, that psychological upper-hand has begun to slip through Israel's fingers. Hizbollah proved that Israeli soldiers were mortal, red-blooded, and perhaps not the military robots they were once thought to be. This poses a problem for Israel. While Hizbollah may be set to the side right now, with and outwardly confident and hostile Hamas taking over the Gaza Strip, we've got just as big a problem on our plate. So before any sort of IDF led military incursion takes place in Gaza, I believe it essential to regain our psychological tactical advantage first. Thus I have put together a list of ideas to put some sense back into (or maybe take away from) our enemies. I'm sure that my due to my vast readership, these ideas will soon make it to the upper echelons of the IDF. In addition, I felt it only fitting that as a Jewish nation Israel use our our long and wonderful history to aid in our future decisions. Thus the story of Passover may be a useful lesson in military tactics. You shall see what I mean.

In the story of Passover G-d places a number of plagues upon the Egyptians in order to break Pharaoh's pride and convince him to release the Jews from bondage. There were ten plagues in the original story, but I believe we can do it in less. It is more economically viable, plus I don't have the time or imagination to think up ten.

Plague #1 - Blood
G-d's first plague was to turn the water in Egypt into blood. Nice one Big G. Well for some time now Israel has mulled over cutting off the water supply to the Gaza Strip, as they are supplying them with the majority of their water (not to mention gas, electricity, food, and hair gel...where would they be without their hair gel?). Gazan's then fire rockets at us and kidnap Israeli soldiers, only to refresh their thirsty palates with some delicious Israeli water afterwards. Because the whole world has decried the possibility of Israel cutting off her enemies from the very thing that they need to keep up their attacks, the plan has not been implemented for fear of international backlash and a PR disaster (worse than the one already in place). So I suggest a new twist on the plan. Israel should be putting additives in the water they send to Gaza. Nothing that would cause physical harm, but better something with an extremely bad odor. I like to refer to it as a 'fartitive'. This fartitive would effectively make all of the Gaza water smell like the steamy dump you take after visiting a Polish all-you-can-eat cabbage festival. While Gazans could still make use of their water for survival, it's foul essence would permeate every walk of life. Their clothes would smell like bowel movements after washing them, shower's would leave you smelling dudie-fresh, and you'd always wonder who had farted in your ice cold soda-pop. I think this would really be the first of many things to wear down our enemies psychologically. I thought about the possibility of other odors like B.O., but that smell probably wouldn't have much of an effect anywhere in the Middle East.

Plague #4 - Wild Beasts
G-d's fourth plague on the Egyptians is often interpreted as wild beasts. This must have been a psychologically terrifying plague for the Egyptians. On a similar note, it is interesting to see that police and militaries around the world have been employing the use of attack dogs for decades. Much like a wild beast, introducing a non-human animal, such as a dog, to certain situations can be psychologically overwhelming. A properly trained dog does not have regard for its own life, let alone for the person it is attacking. But in this case dogs by themselves just aren't going to be enough. Cue Homer Simpson. I must give him credit for this tremendous leap forward in psychological warfare.



If you had trouble understanding here is the transcription:
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Sheer genius. This is exactly what Israel needs. Dogs that bark and shoot bees out of their mouths. As unpredictable as a dog can be, just think of bees. The bees would probably sting everyone from the Gazans to the Israeli soldiers...even the dogs. Now talk about wild beasts. This could really put some good ol' fear back into Israel's enemies.

Plague #9 - Darkness
The second to last plague was darkness. G-d plagued the Egyptians with three days of unnatural darkness. While Israel has been accused of causing natural catastrophes (Egyptian paper: Israel-India nuke test caused tsunami), they unfortunately are not in total control of the weather. On the other hand, slight manipulations of the weather is another story. Israel has been involved in a scientific experiment for years now called cloud seeding (controversy does exist on its effectiveness). The idea is that through human manipulation of clouds, (basically shooting dry ice into them) we cause the clouds to pour out their rain onto our rain deprived land before it passed on to our Arab neighbors. Brilliant. So not only do they think we stole their land, but now we're stealing their rain too. As long as we're partially manipulating their weather, I figure we might as well go all out and take the sun too. While we have succeeded in building a wall that keeps out terrorists, I suggest we add to that wall in height. If we can build a wall so tall that it casts a giant shadow over all of Gaza keeping them in perpetual darkness, I'm sure it will have a psychological effect. I imagine too that if we could block out the sun for long enough, with the use of snow machines we could turn Gaza into a miserable wintry tundra. Then they'll have to spend all their time warming up in a hot bathtub full of shit flavored water.

Well I'm fresh out of psychological warfare ideas for now, but keep me posted on anything else that might add to the dog/bee infested, feces odored, wintry tundra psychological hellhole that Gaza could soon be.

The Penis and Vagina Store: Now Issuing Exchanges

G-d has blessed us all with either a penis or a vagina and not both...with the exception of hermaphrodites, whom I normally would address so as not to offend, but they only represent a small percentage of my readership. Historically speaking, these certain bodily accessories were not interchangeable. In other words, you either got penis soup or vagina pie and there was no trading at the lunch table. But more recently, the wonders of medical science have allowed those of us with such a desire, to do some lunchtime trading. To put it in laymen's terms, you can get a doctor to snap off your dinky and make it into a hoo hoo or vice versa.

Now many people look at this as a medical breakthrough and an opportunity for those people who are unhappy with the gender they were born with...and they are entitled to their wrong opinions. But the truth is that this is a medical nightmare and an abomination to the human body. These people who are desiring of a sex change are the one's you hear about who claim to be a man trapped in a woman's body or the other way around. But rather than trying to change their bodies, these people should be seeking intense therapy. The real problem though is not that they are playing G-d or abominating their bodies. Dr. Paul McHugh, a Professor at John Hopkins and expert on the subject puts it best, "to provide a surgical alteration to the body of these unfortunate people was to collaborate with a mental disorder rather than to treat it."

The mental disorder these people suffer from is generally a combination of gender dysphoria and extreme poor self body image. By having their exterior sex organs changed they believe they will be cured of this problem. But unfortunately for them, nothing about changing your body parts actually changes your gender. They are still the same person on the inside; mentally and physically (give or take a few inches). Steven may suddenly have no penis and go by Stephanie now, but he's still Steven on the inside.

Advocates for sex change usually will argue though that gender has been determined by society and is in reality a very malleable thing. In some sense they are right. For instance our expectations and attitudes towards gender are malleable and affected by societal constraints, expectations, and history. These may take a large role in shaping our views on genders. But gender itself, while multi-faceted is actually quite concrete. For instance, what makes a man a man and a woman a woman is more than just a sex organ. Even besides hormones, attitudes, dispositions, and maybe even souls, it really comes down to the very cells that make up the entire body. Each one has certain male or female chromosomes, and these are certainly not going to change when you suddenly snap off or on a twig and berries. It doesn't get any less malleable than that.

It comes as no surprise that studies done by Dr. McHugh show that while the patients that undergo these operations are generally satisfied with the results of the operation, they still exhibit the various psychological problem which accompany their feelings that they were the other sex. They also still show the same difficulties with relationships, emotions, and work. So in other words, these people are not cured under the knife. And while they have now undergone a dangerous and morally questionable procedure, they still have done nothing to address their mental issues. I think it would be similar to transplanting a permanent smile on a depressed person so that when they look at themselves in the mirror they see a smiling happy person, but we know that on the inside they are still a sad clown.

It is interesting to note too the slippery slope that we create here when allowing for one to alter his or her body based on desire alone. Next thing you know and men will be claiming to have multiple penile personality disorder. Patients will exclaim, "It is a perfectly normal thing that I was not born with the correct amount of penises. I have always pictured myself with two and medical science should provide me with what makes me happy. Oh and I always imagined the second one under my chin." Okay now maybe this is a stretch, but that is the idea of a slippery slope. You don't know how far it can slide.

In conclusion, I don't think we should be ostrasizing these people. But conversely I don't think we should be encouraging them to whisk away the very things that make us who we actually are by condoning doing so as normal. Anyway, pie and soup don't really go together anyway.

The Truth About Islam

Apparently I'm a Bastard

Here is a post from my brother's blog. He is apparently upset that my blog is so awesome. In a panic he whipped up this post.

A Little Sibling Rivalry.

Apparently one brilliant blogger wasn't enough in our family. My younger brother, Josh, as opposed to my older brother (who has yet to be born) has decided that I was receiving too much attention for being known, in my head, as the family's most brilliant writer. So, like he did when I was 8, he has decided to steal my thunder and create his own son of a bitch blog.

This situation is exactly like it was when I was 8 years-old, and Josh was brought into our family, stealing my glory as the family's cutest son. I say brought, because until now it's been a sworn family secret that we would not disclose that Josh was not actually born from my mother. In fact, he was left behind after the Barnum and Bailey's circus left Buffalo Grove, Illinois. My father found him in a tremendous, steaming pile of elephant shit. And apparently the elephant had eaten squid, chili peppers and ghoulash.

To this day, we're not sure whether Josh's real parents were Mr. and Mrs. Tiny Hands (they were normal sized-people, with proportional bodies, but horrifically little hands) or John "Cankles" Henry and a Chinese fire eater. John "Cankles" Henry was a normal-looking human from the knees up, but he brought the crowds to his tent because his legs were the same width from his knees to his feet. He had absolutely no ankles, thus...Cankles (Can't find the ankles). People usually left John's tent vomitting. His legs were grotesque. I had promised to keep Josh's origins secret, but his last subversive straw has broken this camel's back. And I am now thirsty for revenge. But I will only drink occassionally, as I'm a proverbial camel.

By the way, Rachel is also not related to me or my parents. I haven't decided where she came from yet; However, rest assured that it was a foul and undesireable.

Josh's son of a bitch blog is www.sevenlemons.blogspot.com

Here is a link to Michael's blog if you have nothing better to do.

Jihad Is Nuts

Reuters.com recently released a report on a violent rampage by a squirrel in Berlin. The following is that article:

BERLIN (Reuters) - An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch. The squirrel first ran into a house in the southern town of Passau, leapt from behind on a 70-year-old woman, and sank its teeth into her hand, a local police spokesman said Thursday. With the squirrel still hanging from her hand, the woman ran onto the street in panic, where she managed to shake it off. The animal then entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring him on the hand and arm, before he managed to fight it off with a measuring pole. "After that, the squirrel went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch." The spokesman said experts thought the attack may have been linked to the mating season or because the squirrel was ill.

Now I'm sorry, but that article is awesome on so many levels. But I must say I was a bit skeptical about the last sentence alleging the squirrels motives to be linked with the mating season or illness. I decided to do a little bit of further research into the subject to see what else I might be able to pull up on the story. What I found was unbelievable.

The German squirrel who local authorities said was named Otto Volkmar is believed to have been involved with a left-wing German underground anarchist group called NutzichStompein. The group is believed to have close ties with Al-Qaeda, Hizbollah, and other known Islamic fundamentalist groups. Further investigation found that Volkmar had maintained a Myspace profile under the name Hamed Mufassah Al-Dagmar Rammah Bin Lammah Tiki, aka Abu Chomp. His profile contained radical essays justifying and encouraging terrorism, global jihad, and foraging for the Winter. Ok, now it gets really interesting. Pictures on Abu Chomp's profile led authorities to run computer tests on his picture to gather information on his facial features. His features were then compared to those of Hizbollah's Shi'a cleric Hassan Nasrallah to whom Chomp holds a striking resemblance. Authorities believe the two may be related. Below are pictures of the two.

(Pictured from left to right: Abu Chomp, Hassan Nasrallah)

It is believed that Abu Chomp may have been involved as well in a terrorist plot to burrow under Germany's capital, wage jihad from underground, and when the time is right establish an Islamic state called Acornistan on what is now Germany. The radical Islamic world is expected to mourn his death by blaming Israel, oppressing women, and cutting their heads open while walking around bleeding profusely and flagellating each other. Snacks and refreshments will follow.

My Che Vent

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Welcome to Seven Lemons

Welcome to the start of a new ground breaking blog. Seven Lemons is its name and no, it has nothing to do with seven lemons. But it has everything to do with anything that is not seven lemons. Enjoy!