BERLIN (Reuters) - An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch. The squirrel first ran into a house in the southern town of Passau, leapt from behind on a 70-year-old woman, and sank its teeth into her hand, a local police spokesman said Thursday. With the squirrel still hanging from her hand, the woman ran onto the street in panic, where she managed to shake it off. The animal then entered a building site and jumped on a construction worker, injuring him on the hand and arm, before he managed to fight it off with a measuring pole. "After that, the squirrel went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch." The spokesman said experts thought the attack may have been linked to the mating season or because the squirrel was ill.
Now I'm sorry, but that article is awesome on so many levels. But I must say I was a bit skeptical about the last sentence alleging the squirrels motives to be linked with the mating season or illness. I decided to do a little bit of further research into the subject to see what else I might be able to pull up on the story. What I found was unbelievable.
The German squirrel who local authorities said was named Otto Volkmar is believed to have been involved with a left-wing German underground anarchist group called NutzichStompein. The group is believed to have close ties with Al-Qaeda, Hizbollah, and other known Islamic fundamentalist groups. Further investigation found that Volkmar had maintained a Myspace profile under the name Hamed Mufassah Al-Dagmar Rammah Bin Lammah Tiki, aka Abu Chomp. His profile contained radical essays justifying and encouraging terrorism, global jihad, and foraging for the Winter. Ok, now it gets really interesting. Pictures on Abu Chomp's profile led authorities to run computer tests on his picture to gather information on his facial features. His features were then compared to those of Hizbollah's Shi'a cleric Hassan Nasrallah to whom Chomp holds a striking resemblance. Authorities believe the two may be related. Below are pictures of the two.
It is believed that Abu Chomp may have been involved as well in a terrorist plot to burrow under Germany's capital, wage jihad from underground, and when the time is right establish an Islamic state called Acornistan on what is now Germany. The radical Islamic world is expected to mourn his death by blaming Israel, oppressing women, and cutting their heads open while walking around bleeding profusely and flagellating each other. Snacks and refreshments will follow.
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