Why On This Night Do We Drink Poop Flavored Water, And On All Other Nights We Are Stung By Bees In The Dark?

For many years (since'67 but arguably even from '48) Israel has held a tactical advantage over her enemies. First and foremost, since '67 our scientifically engineered falafel balls cause a significantly smaller amount of gas cramping and diarrhea. But perhaps more notably this advantage was in the form of military technology and prowess. In addition, part of this Israeli military prowess was simply in the form of striking fear into our enemies. Israel's adversaries, if we give them the benefit of calling them that, viewed the soldiers of the Israeli Defense Force as something nearly superhuman. Picture your average Haredi Jew, but instead he has laser beams for eyes, guns for hands, a razor sharp circumcised penis, and spicy hummus pumping through his black evil veins. This reputation as super soldiers was created and emboldened by the IDF's perpetual defeats of it's Arab enemies, often against all odds. Then to further solidify the myth was the all too common Arab disposition towards redefining history and refusing to accept that their defeat in most cases came at their own hands. Regardless though of the reasons behind this psychological phenomenon, it has served as part of Israel's advantage over her enemies and been vital in her protection and preservation.

More recently though, due to the past war in Lebanon, that psychological upper-hand has begun to slip through Israel's fingers. Hizbollah proved that Israeli soldiers were mortal, red-blooded, and perhaps not the military robots they were once thought to be. This poses a problem for Israel. While Hizbollah may be set to the side right now, with and outwardly confident and hostile Hamas taking over the Gaza Strip, we've got just as big a problem on our plate. So before any sort of IDF led military incursion takes place in Gaza, I believe it essential to regain our psychological tactical advantage first. Thus I have put together a list of ideas to put some sense back into (or maybe take away from) our enemies. I'm sure that my due to my vast readership, these ideas will soon make it to the upper echelons of the IDF. In addition, I felt it only fitting that as a Jewish nation Israel use our our long and wonderful history to aid in our future decisions. Thus the story of Passover may be a useful lesson in military tactics. You shall see what I mean.

In the story of Passover G-d places a number of plagues upon the Egyptians in order to break Pharaoh's pride and convince him to release the Jews from bondage. There were ten plagues in the original story, but I believe we can do it in less. It is more economically viable, plus I don't have the time or imagination to think up ten.

Plague #1 - Blood
G-d's first plague was to turn the water in Egypt into blood. Nice one Big G. Well for some time now Israel has mulled over cutting off the water supply to the Gaza Strip, as they are supplying them with the majority of their water (not to mention gas, electricity, food, and hair gel...where would they be without their hair gel?). Gazan's then fire rockets at us and kidnap Israeli soldiers, only to refresh their thirsty palates with some delicious Israeli water afterwards. Because the whole world has decried the possibility of Israel cutting off her enemies from the very thing that they need to keep up their attacks, the plan has not been implemented for fear of international backlash and a PR disaster (worse than the one already in place). So I suggest a new twist on the plan. Israel should be putting additives in the water they send to Gaza. Nothing that would cause physical harm, but better something with an extremely bad odor. I like to refer to it as a 'fartitive'. This fartitive would effectively make all of the Gaza water smell like the steamy dump you take after visiting a Polish all-you-can-eat cabbage festival. While Gazans could still make use of their water for survival, it's foul essence would permeate every walk of life. Their clothes would smell like bowel movements after washing them, shower's would leave you smelling dudie-fresh, and you'd always wonder who had farted in your ice cold soda-pop. I think this would really be the first of many things to wear down our enemies psychologically. I thought about the possibility of other odors like B.O., but that smell probably wouldn't have much of an effect anywhere in the Middle East.

Plague #4 - Wild Beasts
G-d's fourth plague on the Egyptians is often interpreted as wild beasts. This must have been a psychologically terrifying plague for the Egyptians. On a similar note, it is interesting to see that police and militaries around the world have been employing the use of attack dogs for decades. Much like a wild beast, introducing a non-human animal, such as a dog, to certain situations can be psychologically overwhelming. A properly trained dog does not have regard for its own life, let alone for the person it is attacking. But in this case dogs by themselves just aren't going to be enough. Cue Homer Simpson. I must give him credit for this tremendous leap forward in psychological warfare.



If you had trouble understanding here is the transcription:
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Sheer genius. This is exactly what Israel needs. Dogs that bark and shoot bees out of their mouths. As unpredictable as a dog can be, just think of bees. The bees would probably sting everyone from the Gazans to the Israeli soldiers...even the dogs. Now talk about wild beasts. This could really put some good ol' fear back into Israel's enemies.

Plague #9 - Darkness
The second to last plague was darkness. G-d plagued the Egyptians with three days of unnatural darkness. While Israel has been accused of causing natural catastrophes (Egyptian paper: Israel-India nuke test caused tsunami), they unfortunately are not in total control of the weather. On the other hand, slight manipulations of the weather is another story. Israel has been involved in a scientific experiment for years now called cloud seeding (controversy does exist on its effectiveness). The idea is that through human manipulation of clouds, (basically shooting dry ice into them) we cause the clouds to pour out their rain onto our rain deprived land before it passed on to our Arab neighbors. Brilliant. So not only do they think we stole their land, but now we're stealing their rain too. As long as we're partially manipulating their weather, I figure we might as well go all out and take the sun too. While we have succeeded in building a wall that keeps out terrorists, I suggest we add to that wall in height. If we can build a wall so tall that it casts a giant shadow over all of Gaza keeping them in perpetual darkness, I'm sure it will have a psychological effect. I imagine too that if we could block out the sun for long enough, with the use of snow machines we could turn Gaza into a miserable wintry tundra. Then they'll have to spend all their time warming up in a hot bathtub full of shit flavored water.

Well I'm fresh out of psychological warfare ideas for now, but keep me posted on anything else that might add to the dog/bee infested, feces odored, wintry tundra psychological hellhole that Gaza could soon be.